How Are You?

To begin with, the question which makes my emotions go snowballing, is possibly a rather misused form of courtesy — “How are you doing?”. I mean do we really care? Do we even have the time to listen to the answer? Do we even know how to deal with the honest response to that? If not, I sincerely request you to STOP. Do not engage in a question you’re not ready to deal with. There are plenty of ways to extend your pleasantries. You could simply stop at a ‘Hello’ or go ahead with ‘I hope you’re doing well. (isn’t that what you truly mean? And if the response is negative you can extend by saying ‘Hope it gets better for you. I mean why is it so difficult, to be honest in a conversation?! You wish well for those you meet and greet but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re available or equipped to help them if things aren’t going great. Accept. Do not pretend or delude yourself with the thought that you’re being there for them when you aren’t. When you can’t. Know your limitations. Do not overlook them.

THAT. I repeat, THAT is what makes it worse for us.

You tell me to talk to you whenever I want to, and that you’re willing to help, but how? when? where? If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of that conversation, you would know that people struggling with emotions or situations don’t have the internal resources or mental energy to reach out. They are strained, exhausted, tired, clueless, and even fearful to reach out. They would really appreciate having someone to sit down and talk to, however, we don’t want a ‘pity’ conversation. We aren’t here trying to seek attention or with an underlying ulterior motive. We’re here struggling to find answers and ways of helping ourselves. And no, our issues may not be catastrophic and may often feel frivolous to you, but they don’t to us. We do rationally agree with you and trust me we repeat that to ourselves so often to hold ourselves together, however, our emotional instability wins over us sometimes. The frequency of our failure in this battle keeps changing. Some days we’re alright, up and about and you may come to think that we’re absolutely fine and that it might have been a bad day previously. Yes, we would gladly like to believe that too. Alas! it’s not true. Coz, unfortunately, for us the bad days are way too often and tend to spiral us down to pieces when they occur. May seem a bit too much to you. It may seem like an overreaction, may seem like we’re ‘being too sensitive, ‘too emotional’, ‘too naive’, to you. However, take my word, it’s not. No. We’re as capable and strong as you. Yes, you right there feeling ‘Well, I have had bad days too, but you know I’ve been over them, you’ll be too.’ I hope so too, my friend. I really do. But, that’s where we differ. Bad days aren’t just bad days for us. They are storms for us and we may stumble often on to shield ourselves from them and if you really wish to help us stand up again when we fall, don’t just PRETEND to care, learn how to care.

And having been on both ends of such situations here’s my guide on HOW TO CARE

• When you observe someone wriggling, fidgeting in their place, or being jittery or anxious, come and sit with them. Be cautious, to keep a safe space, you may startle them by sitting too close or giving them a pat. Engage with them but don’t put them in the spotlight by asking them how they’re doing and how is everything going for them. CONTRARY TO THE POPULAR CULTURE, asking people how they’re doing at the beginning of a conversation is rather impolite. You have just met them, or are probably an acquaintance or colleague, you are not ready to know or care about their well being, so do not pretend. Rather talk about mutually common areas or aspects of life wherein you can actually contribute and help if they’re in need.
• If an individual has been courageous enough to share with you that they’re struggling or not doing well, be kind. They probably already know that you’re not equipped to provide the specialized help and that’s not what they’re looking for. They are probably just looking forward to sharing it with someone. Unburden yourself from the need to advise or provide them with a solution. All they need from you which you CAN offer is your time and ability to listen. Listening, I understand doesn’t come easily and naturally to all of us, however, it is an absolutely crucial life skill for success and happiness. Basics of listening involve, ensuring the speaker that you’re comfortable and willing to listen. That they’re not causing any inconvenience to you. Sit down if possible with them (recommended to sit/stand opposite to them at a slight angle so that it doesn’t feel like a confrontation). Extend an offer to possibly move to a quieter area where they can talk to you in confidence and one-on-one. Now I understand, that all of us are working with schedules and instantly taking out time is often impossible, if so, extend an offer for a later time (hopefully the same day or next). Make a plan and ensure that you follow through even if the speaker feels unsure. Even a 10-minute conversation can go a really long way in helping someone feeling better. Offer them a hug, however, ensure to ask first, not everyone is comfortable with human contact when they’re feeling vulnerable.
• Check-in on them periodically and see if they’d like to have a conversation to catch up. Don’t check-in saying ‘Wanted to check-in to see how you’re doing that just sends a message that you’re following protocol rather than actually caring? Rather take out some time to have a conversation over a call or in-person or even have a chat online. Long messages and emails are appreciated for your effort, however, may seem mechanical and impersonal.
• Lastly, educate yourself with mental hygiene, psychological first aid and local mental health resources so that you can guide people in the right direction when you stumble across someone who might seem to benefit from them. Often, unawareness about the resources makes us feel helpless and in turn, leads us to choose unhealthy ways of offering help.

This leads us to the ‘WHAT NOT TO DO’ section:

• - Asking a stressed-out individual out to come to have for a drink or smoke to feel better
• - Saying ‘it’s alright’ or ‘it shall pass’
• - Not acknowledging what they shared by saying ‘hmm’ and switching to something else
• - Dismissing their feeling by saying ‘Oh, it’s not really that bad as you feel it is’ OR ‘it’s just a bad day OR ‘it’s not really that big a deal, you can get over it’ OR ‘you’re clearly just overthinking’ OR ‘this isn’t the worst that can happen, you know and the list goes on (I hope you get an idea of what I mean to say.)
• - Saying ‘Talk to me’ or ‘Tell me what’s happening’ and then looking at your watch. If you know you’re in a hurry do not probe them to engage, it just makes them feel abandoned and discouraged to seek help in future.
• - Showing sympathy or pity, for instance saying ‘Oh dear, that must be awful’. OR ‘I’m so sorry. OR ‘That’s terrible. Well, of course, it is awful and terrible for us, you reiterating it only makes us feel even more terrified to deal with it.

Pro Tip: Try and be more empathetic and empowering than being sympathetic and pitiful.